she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
