Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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