its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
