It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
