Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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