His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
