I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think I sprained my soul last night
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
