I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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