yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
