Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
