sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think i got beer on your cat.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
