Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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