During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
