My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
