Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
