The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize