When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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