I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
