just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
