Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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