You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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