When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
