I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i've created a new STD.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
