You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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