its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
