we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
