he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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