There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize