Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
