My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
