Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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