Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
the liver wants what the liver wants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
