Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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