The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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