If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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