I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
