he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
