so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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