he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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