Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
