Well apparently he's into motor boating.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
