he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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