We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
