he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
