I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
