my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
