Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
