There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
