My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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