Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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