I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
