Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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