I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
