Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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