i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
