You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
