My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
