what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
